To play hard to get
by fourwalls
Summary: Looking at Risa and Shunshui, I wish I gave him, my taicho an opening. It is too late now. NanaoxShunshui, ShunshuixRisa


This i sjust something that has been bugging my head for weeks now. So I wrote it. I love Shunshui and Nanao, it's just I feel like sometimes, Nanao is too hard on him. Hope you'll like this one. Reviews are very much welcomed.

This takes place after teh winter war.

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach**

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"Nanano-san" he said as he closed the door and waited for me there at the door of my office.

I heard him knock, but I didn't respond. I just wished that he took that as his queue to leave, but to my disappointment he took that as invitation to enter. I did not want to deal with him right now, not in the next decade at least.

I heard him sigh. He again called out my name.

"What are you doing here taicho?" I asked. I looked at him, his face was very much worried.

"I just…" he trailed off. I can feel hesitation on what he will be saying.

It was my turn to sigh. "Just say what you need." I told him.

He was quiet for a few minutes just looking at the floor. I know he doesn't want to be here. I know that whatever he is going to ask or going to say to me, he'd rather not. I have been his fukutaicho long enough to be able to read him almost perfectly. I just made myself busy, piling paper works. The last thing I wanted to do now was talk to him, next to that is also look at him. It will only make my pain worse than it already is.

He decided to break the silence at last. "Why have you been avoiding me all this time?"

I did not answer.

"…or why have you also been ignoring me for the same length of time?"

I went to the other side of the room to file the paper works I've finished and get a new set.

I went back to my desk. He was just standing there, just watching me as I do this routine of a job that I have.

From the corner of my eyes I saw him take off that silly straw hat of his, a silly straw hat that I have grown to love.

"I am not leaving until you answer my questions." He said. To make his point, he walked right to my desk, took a chair and sat right in front of me.

"Please taicho… I…" I looked up from my desk, which I knew was a mistake, because I stared right at his eyes, something that I don't want to see, not yet, not until I am ready. I saw in his eyes the tenderness that made my heart feel at home and made me feel like I am the most important person in the world, yet they lack the usual humor that I always see in them. Right now, my captain, Shunshui Kyouraku is very serious. A rare occasion. I felt the next words lodged at my throat and my eyes burn.

I looked down again at my desk as quickly as I raised them to look in his eyes. I tried to blink back my tears in the process, and was successful in not letting them fall, but not at hiding them from him.

"Nanao…" his voice was rough, ridden with concern, there is also an edge of sadness in them, "did I say something to hurt you? Please…" his voice was pleading now.

I willed my voice to be as hard as I can "I have to do my work taicho. If you'd be kind enough to leave…" I was already beginning to stand.

"Make me understand you."

That made me stop mid stand. I bowed my head returned to sit, still looking at my lap. I felt myself take deep, slow and measured breaths.

"I have been trying to understand you this past week, but I really cannot come up with something logical, as to why you are ignoring me. Please tell me what have I done?" He said as he reached his hands across my desk to hold my hand that I did not realize was there.

Then this is where I wasn't able to hold it anymore. My breathing became shaky. I felt my hands clench and tremble at his hold. I felt warm tears slide down both sides of my face, I saw them drop at my lap. I was crying.

I felt so much pain that I cannot hold back these tears, they are the only way I can make the pain somehow eased. I was very aware of his hands on mine. I wanted to pull them away, but I couldn't. How can you stop drinking water when you just went from being stuck in a desert for days without drinking anything? That is how it felt like. His hands on mine just felt right, and I have been more than just in his hands. I remember being enveloped by those strong arms of his, a moment in my life where I have never been so scared. It felt that this is fear was going to kill me just then and there. But it was he who saved me, carried me out of that which I thought I was ready to face. Just being in his arms made me feel so secure, that everything was right again in the world, that I did not, just seconds ago face the horrible power of the sotaicho.

"I know I did something terrible to make you cry like this. You never cry no matter how sad you were, no matter how terrifying the situation is, you never do. You are making my heart break crying like this, my lovely Nanao –"

"Please don't call me that." At last I gain the strength to speak as I looked straight at him.

"Call you what?" I see confusion in his eyes.

"That." I tried to make my face harder to prove a point, "_your_ Nanao-chan, at least not anymore."

He looked at me, in his face I can see sadness and realization as I spoke those words.

"Nanao… I" He looked down, then to the side, then back down again, then looked at me "…I never thought you even liked me," was his hushed words.

As he said those words, I began to remember all the harsh things I said to him, all the time, hoping, just hoping that he would be a little more responsible. Then, I remember all those time I hit him with a book, and he would just laugh at it, joke about it, and put in mock hurt. I remember all the time when he called out to me, asking me to sit with him and enjoy the sunset and I just ignored him and those times he was telling me a story and I cut him off just because I felt my time wasted, but in reality, I loved everything that he was doing. I loved it when he was trying to annoy me. I was fond of it. And now, I regret everything I did. I regret it all.

Thinking about this, I again started crying, a stream of tears down my cheeks. I felt so much of the pain that my body shook, that I can't bear it anymore.

"But... I love you."I whispered, finally, I found the courage to speak.

He closed his eyes and lifted his head as if looking at the ceiling. I saw him swallow hard, and saw a tear fall from his left eye.

We were silent for a while, only my harsh breathing can be heard in the room.

"I'm sorry," I said, "I tried to hide it from you, since…" I did not finish, he looked right back at me, his eyes somber. "That is why I was avoiding you, I did not want this to be complicated."

"How did you wish to make this not complicated?"

I finally regained my composure. "I thought that if I avoided you, I would not have to feel this pain…" I explained, "at least not as much, and maybe if I avoid you long enough, ignore you long enough, I… I would finally forget my feelings for you."

He gazed at me questioningly, "Forgetting a feeling is hard…" he explained rather objectively.

I managed a chuckle "I know, but not impossible," He again looked at me with those eyes "it may take years, decades or even centuries but it could happen…"

He let out a pained breath.

"… and I don't want to be someone who destroys a good relationship, so I'd rather forget" If I could.

"How do you suppose that makes me feel" I felt a hint of anger in his tone. Rare, but it happens, once in a century.

"Look, I never planned to tell you this. I just wished that you just go on your way, and I go with mine. I just wished that you took my ignoring you as your hint to stay away from me, so that you won't need to know. Do you think I wanted you to feel like this?" I heard my voice rise.

"And whatever made you think that I'll just stay away" He said in a low measured tone.

"Like I said it was just a wish."

The tension in the room was just so heavy, if you were there, you could feel being suffocated.

He stood up suddenly that I was startled and circled the desk to go to me and grabbed me the shoulders and enveloped me in a tight, heartfelt embrace.

"I am sorry Nanao-chan…" we were swinging back and forth.

"Please, don't call me that."

"…I am so sorry I hurt you," he was whispering by my ear, I felt his breath down my neck, a feeling I wished to have for eternity, "I never ever wanted to do that, and you know that…"

"I know" I managed to say, closing my eyes, enjoying the feel of my head on his chest, taking in his every scent.

"…but—"

"Sshhh" I hushed him, I felt my grip on his haori tighten. He felt it and he just tightened his hold on me. I know what he would say next, I did not need to hear it, hearing it would just double the pain of what I already understood. He understood that also. He just made me enjoy this moment that may be my last. His arms around me like I was his and he was mine, but that could never be, not now, not when he was reunited with her. Not when he was that much in love with her.

I again felt that pain, the pain that has been so familiar to me ever since she arrived, ever since he took her hand. A feeling of having my chest ripped open and stabbed like a hundred times, but I would endure it, for his sake. For my love of him. His arms around me like this just feels so right, so perfect, it was as if he was the missing piece of my life, and I know, without a doubt that he is, except that there is also her, who also I know felt the same way.

Being in his tight embrace, I can't help but think of them together, how he kisses her at night, how she is within these arms, strong arms, when it could have been me, it should have been me, enjoying the comfort and security of those strong arms that I look forward to every night, if only he waited, if only I allowed him earlier, given him the chance to love me. Now all that is left is regret, for what I did, and what I should have done, and it will haunt me in the decades or centuries of my existence.

I was the one who broke from our embrace. I could not tell how long we were like that, could have been minutes, or hours, who knows?

He held onto both of my shoulders, looking me in the eyes, a silent understanding passing between us. No words of goodbyes were said, but we both knew well this was our farewell. He kissed me on the forehead, like a father will to his daughter when they are sending them off to a life of their own. I just closed my eyes.

He turned around and opened the door. Before walking out, he turned his head to look at me and cast me a reassuring smile, telling me that everything will be alright, but I knew better. At the doorway Yadoumaro Risa was looking at the ground. As the doors were opening, she looked at Shunshui, the expression in her eyes were of melancholy and grief. I don't know how long she had been standing there or how much she had heard. Then her eyes found mine, they were apologetic. I turned around, refusing to be the object of her pity. I heard the doors close.

I knew I shouldn't, but I had to see. I looked outside my window, and I saw my taicho talking to Risa, I can see they were both sad, especially Kyouraku, he was almost crying. I just knew that they were talking about me. She was rubbing his back gently as they were walking, comfort him, then they stopped and Shunshui just hugged her very tightly, that same hug I was enclosed in just minutes ago. I felt something squeeze my heart as if willing it to stop, and I just had to close my eyes. I slid down the wall to sit on the floor, buried my face on my knees and hugged my legs to my chest, a gesture meant to lessen the pain, the greatest pain I have ever felt in my entire existence.

I remembered what I said earlier to him about being able to forget. Who was I kidding? I know I won't be able to forget, not something like this. Not something I know should be so good. And I cried without a sound, betraying the emptiness that I am feeling. I stayed like that for what felt like an eternity.

Who could know how our paths would cross in the future, but as of now, he isn't mine.

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so what do you think? I am review loving, so I will be glad if you reviewed my work.

Note: may be a **_spoiler _**if you are not reading the manga. If you don't know Risa, she is the vaizard with the glasses, Shunshui's vice captain before Nanao.


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